the mindset formerly known as "inflexible"

at least i hope to undergo a permanent change into the "flexible" world. i read last week that being inflexible is a sign of pride because it's a demonstration of our need to control circumstances and situations, assuming that our way is indeed the best way. the funny part is i've always said "oh, i'm flexible" or "sure, whatever you think" and "i really don't have a preference." but who are we kidding? when i said those things it was more or less in the understood parameters of a certain situation, not a wide open, literal, true-by-definition flexibility. if put in a crowd of i-don't-have-a-preference people, i can easily persuade them all to have my preference. sometimes that's good (when running for a public office or following some views of parenting), but it's been something i've been pondering as of late.


maybe it's because we were vagabonds for 93 days (or was it 97?), or maybe it's because our name tags have said "hi, my name is floater" since february of this year, or maybe it's even because i'm learning that i'm not inherently entitled to a 9-5 job ("sure, my hours are flexible. what time should i come in?"), but today is a big think-it-through day. actually, the last two weeks have been big thinker weeks. it's a good thing to re-evaluate, reminisce, plan, meditate, ponder, etc. it keeps life real; it makes you aware of why you're here; and it reminds you what you're supposed to do each day.


thinking it through has meant several things for me: the fresh wound of learning true humility over and over again, breaking every single inflexible bone in my body until i'm as flexible as gumbi, remembering that happiness and joy are dead if i look for it in my circumstances, and keeping in front of my mind the love that Jesus has for me and jed. in this way, life is amazing. one part of me hates those days where tears are fresh, i feel like a wimp, and my head is a whirling chat room. but the other part of me is addicted to those kinds of days because the reality that can come from those days, by God's grace, is a fresh and fabulous reality.


thankfully, for jed's sanity and for my sanity, they don't come regularly. but when they do, i wake up to a clearer understanding of this whole big picture and man that's awesome!