i'm not sure that any of this will come out in full sentences (or in english, for that matter), but it's october now and i'm brimming over with words that need to get typed. ede is five months old, and i think it's safe to say that we have settled into life with a baby. of course, that discounts the fact that every day brings new surprises and that one can never tell what one's day will hold, but nonetheless, if you can accept surprises, you can settle into the life that it involves. so, to recap, i've settled into the fact that i'm just going to be unsettled for now. it's wonderful! all the cliches have proven themselves to be true!
we indeed can't imagine life without our little ede.
we didn't know we could love a little one that much.
it's true, it is different when it's your own (except in the diaper world - hello. smell is smell!)
and yes, our lives are changed forever.
but changed in such a good way. the kind of change that makes you begin to see yourself for who you truly are (a selfish, self-occupied wimpster wife) and inspires you to do anything and everything to be what you need and want to be. for me that would essentially be a selfless, loving, tender wife and mama. thank God he can make that even possible! no one could have prepared me for the emotion and passion that is brought on by motherhood. it's the raw kind of emotion resulting from the intense passion to do what is best for your family. my problem usually lies in maintaining a prayerful flexibility to weather the passion, discerning if it's rooted in my grasp for control, and realizing that i'm not the one in control.
fortunately, the sweet cherub we're gifted with is just precious and funny enough to remind me that life is too short to sweat the small stuff (like make-up.....or lunch). it's so amazing to see her personality develop with her sense of humor. she laughs, but only when she wants to, and she cries, but not enough to make me cry. there is a smile behind her eyes most of the time, and her world is a constant joy ride. just recently while spending time with family outside the city, jed and i noticed that we really are her best friends. she's not quite as comfortable or trusting with other people, even family, but with us she knows she's secure. i can't tell you what that does for our egos!
as different of a person as i now am on a strictly definitive level, i can only hope that this process called life continues to change me into what i need to be. what a great experience, what a wonderful privilege, and what an amazing journey!
