almost 6 months ago we found out i was pregnant. it was a time of sheer exhilaration, fear, joy, and wonder. neither of us knew what to expect or how we would handle it, yet thus began our journey into a world we never imagined could be so amazing. for me, this was a journey to beat the odds, to be different, and to excel at pregnancy. i refused to consider gaining more than the needed 12 pounds, and after having lost weight during my first trimester i was certain i was going to be right there next to giselle bundchen and heidi klum – long, lean and a bit of a baby bump. (why it never occurred to me in the first place that I didn’t START OUT looking like them, I’ll never know. maybe that can be blamed on the disillusioned pregnant mind??) i wanted to thrive with this little one in me, to make this a great experience for both me and jed, and to have no lasting repercussions from what would end up being a total body transformation by the time it’s over.
i had spent the first 6.5 years of our marriage gawking at pregnant women and pointing out to jed what i hoped to look like. you know, the kind where you can’t tell from behind and then they turn around with this amazing glow on their face and an adorable baby bump. i’d point out the ones still wearing stilettos and suits, the ones running with their first born in a stroller in front of them, the ones tan and glowing from the inner beauty. i had friends who were that way, and i thought it would be just great to be that way! we would see those documentaries on tv where the women didn’t know they were pregnant until they went into labor because they were so humungous, which would then lead to a 10-minute conversation on “how could you?”
i had spent most of my life coping with the thought of cause and effect in regards to babies, and for some reason the selfish thoughts that dominated my mind for most of my life were focused on the fatty fat part. the horror of being asked how far along you were right after giving birth seemed to be a dungeon that would swallow me whole. i promised myself that the bedside pictures taken with our newly born baby would be professional grade and stellar, automatically adding me to the list of glowers i had so long admired. and then, after two days of sleeping off the whole birthing process, we would emerge with a beautiful newborn and take strolls in the parks and people would say “how do you do it?!”
and now, here we are. i’m 32 weeks along, 24 pounds heavier, nicely padded for comfort, and fatigued enough to somehow win a seat on most trains i ride. (be it the belly or the look on my face, the people i commute with are so kind and almost always offer a seat.) i would definitely not put my frame into the heidi and giselle category, nor have i found the energy yet to accomplish much more than cleaning the house, let alone extra-curricular aerobics. and stiletto’s? nah. i’ve been sticking to two inches or less for quite some time now. if i do glow, it could be from the happiness resulting from having the time of my life, but more than likely it’s because i tend to remain out of breath like a 900-pound wrestler.
but you know what? i couldn’t be more excited! the selfish depression that seemed eminent due to such disillusions and crazinesses of the mind has been graciously taken away, thank God! close to none of the ambitions that i set out with are important to me now, and the focus for both me and jed remains on the gift of life (our little girl) that God has entrusted to us. due to complications, my doctor is planning on delivering our baby girl via cesarean sometime around 37 weeks. we are so excited to meet her! our apartment is slowly getting to the place where going from two to three will be quite natural. just a few more minor revisions and purchases and the fun begins! no one can plan to be this excited. you can’t even hope to be this happy about something. the blessing of pregnancy and the marvel of life is something that continues to awe both of us. we feel direct kindness from God’s hand in this way, and we never want to take it for granted.
ps – please feel free to read this post out loud to me when she’s two weeks old, i haven’t seen a full night’s sleep, the house is upside down, and jed has eaten mcdonald’s for 5 days straight.
